ladykatza

I’ve never liked having to get up in the mornings. When left to my own internal clock, I stay up to about 3am and sleeping until 10 or 11am in the morning. But life necessitates that I be a morning person these days. Some mornings are harder than others, like this one. My Zen Alarm clock had gone through a couple cycles before it reached my consciousness and I woke out of a dream that left me feeling haunted in some vague sense. But the routine started.

As time to leave came closer, I felt the need to snuggle up a bit to my sleeping daecon, and in the quietness of the house I heard a train whistle in the distance.

I’ve never quite understood why, but I find the sound of distant trains to be comforting. Its something I always expect to hear in the quiet of the night while drifting off to sleep. Its somehow always been there. Out there, the world still exists and is moving along in a way I don’t quite understand.

But it was that tranquil moment in the comfort of home and husband that I found the strength to face my day.

If there are one or more people on your friends list who make your world a better place just because they exist, and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the Internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

A quote from one of my favorite boardies: You’re so vibrant and full of life, you give me hope that I can spawn someday and still hold on to my personality, because it’s obvious you’ve managed that.

This gave me a warm fuzzy and also made me want to share a bit about motherhood. First off, its not easy. In fact, it was seven years ago today that I was in a hospital surrounded by nurses and doctors as they tried to stop the contractions before doing an emergency c-section to save the life of my first born. There was a lot of mess and a lot of pain, though I don’t remember much of either. The “experts” say we are wired to forget the bad parts and I believe this now. I do remember at one point insisting on getting up and going to the bathroom and saying “Well, this is rather un-dignified”. The nurse just snorted and said “Honey, ain’t nothin’ dignified ’bout childbirth. Its messy.”

So true. So very very true. And for some reason I found her drawl to be comforting in this dispensing of wisdom. But I think what scared me more than all the trials and tribulations of going through my first pregnancy (the second one was a breeze, really. i think it was because i knew what to expect), was the fact that my life was no longer going to be my own. Now I would be responsible for the life and welfare of a new person.

Personally, I feel that it is most important once you become a parent to take time out for yourself. To do something that re-asserts your own personal identity. The fact that I have a large support network to help with the raising of children is a great boon. For me (and my husband) we are involved in the LARPing and gaming communities. I love to do costuming, and I love to dance, and many other things. I find that when I do the things that make me happy then I am happier around my children and maybe they even become interested as well.

I’ve known women whose entire life revolved around getting married and having children and being completely involved on many levels. They were happy with this because that was their personality and what they _wanted_ to do. There is nothing wrong with this and I feel that (in America at least) we do not give these women enough credit.

I myself, however, decided to have children so that I could show them the world. I want to show them the incredible things that are on this earth in spite of all the ugliness everyone says there is. I want to teach them to be their own person and to not be afraid to take chances.

In the Dune series by Frank Herbert, he speaks of “The Parable of the Shield”. In the story it asks the question “How do you shield your children enough that they can grow to adulthood, but no so much that they cannot survive as an adult?”. Its a hard question to answer, because the instinct is to shield your children from all possible hurts. Yet I see, over and over, people that are so coddled that they cannot function once they are faced with true problems. Sometimes if I wonder if this is what gives rise to “the nanny state”.

But to get back to one of the original thoughts. If you are a parent or find yourself on the cusp of becoming one, you owe it to yourself and to your children to retain your sense of self. Personally, I intend to be that little old lady driving the red sports convertible and leaving all you young whiper-snappers eating my dust.

So I haven’t started writing about this previously because I was HOPING my camera would turn up and I had a whole story idea laid out in my head based on the pictures I took. But it looks like it was stolen and I had to mourn the loss and restructure the ideas in my head.

I also forgot my travel journal. The few times that I have traveled without my parents, or with daecon, I kept a journal. I have pages and pages from my honeymoon and I’ve been chewing on the thought of doing some blogging with those.

So. Toronto. It actually started with daecon picking me up from work and us going out to eat before I left so we would have a bit of time together. Getting to the airport and dealing with all the new security features (to me, anyway) was a bit nerve wracking. I hadn’t been on a plane since October of 2000 when I went on my honeymoon. I got through OK, though. The flight ended up being delayed for a bit and once I got on the plane someone had sat in my seat because he wanted to sit by friends. His was behind him next to the window so I decided not to make a stink about it, but was highly annoyed to find out the recline didn’t work. Fuck. Back was NOT HAPPY. Fortunately the plane trip was short.

Ava met me at LGA when I got off the plane and it was so awesome to see her. Her partner was there as well and meeting her was awesome. Ava made the comment that Atlanta must have the monopoly on geeks because any time there was a plane full of people with laptops coming through it was from Atlanta. Yeah, well. What can I say. We’re the silicon valley of the south.

So we get my bag and out to the car and it was agreed that LGA is not the NYC airport to fly into if it can be helped. Fine, OK. And then they said “your limo, lovely lady”. Apparently they had gotten a vehicle from her partner’s work which was this very nice Dodge with a big engine. It goes zooom zooom. At this point I had been awake for almost 22 hours and was chattering deliriously in the back seat. This got me chuckled at a lot. We get back to Ava’s place and its this adorable upstairs apartment in an old house made by Italian brick layers. I love it, actually.

So I needed at least 6 hours of sleep before making the 8 hour drive. I got most of it, though the lack of curtains over the window woke up me up. Ava and I got a later start than we wanted because sleep and food were important for a safe trip.

Well, the driving was um… interesting. First we get hit by a storm that was so heavy I couldn’t see a THING and we had to pull over. It took about 20 minutes and we got out onto the open road. On the way up we took one of the more scenic routes and New York state is beautiful country. Though, a couple hours out we had a problem. *BOOM* There goes a tire. Fuck. I pull over and its dead, I mean flat as a pancake. Ava and I look at each other and she says “Um, You know how to change a tire right?”

Why yes, yes I do. And we did. We took turns with the jack and she lifted the wheel off after I got the nuts loose. (TIRE LUG NUTS YOU PERVERTS!) I managed to not wrench my back out doing that, thankfully. The spare got us into the next town and we lost another 90 minutes. However, the car was much happier afterwards with two new tires. Ava accused me of being the one causing all the “interesting happenings”. I think this was also the fact that on the way we past a Nitro truck, and compressed hydrogen truck, gas trucks, and various other flammable chemical trucks. Not to mention some medical waste trucks. Weird.

Getting through the border wasn’t hard. Canadians are pretty laid back. I was a bit nervous since I don’t have a passport yet and had to use “alternative papers”. This was part of the reason for the drive, since you have to have a passport to fly in.

I do NOT like driving on Canadian roads. They confuse me a lot, and the sudden conversion to metric gave my brain a workout. Ava and I started getting snippy with each other because now we were trying to drive in a strange place and coordinate meeting up with Cobalt and Mythos and the guy we were renting the apartment from. It turned out to be cheaper to rent it than get a hotel, and it had the luxury of a kitchen and living room area. It was quite nice actually. Its a little basement apartment in downtown Toronto and I would recommend it to anyone. The only thing is, its a HOBBIT HOLE. Seriously, I practically had to duck to get through the door. AND they baked us a cake! It was so cool.

So later, I will talk about the rest of it.

Take care!

I expect people to afford me the same frankness. Politeness is always necessary and appreciated in this world, but there’s a difference between being polite and being a doormat. Don’t be a doormat. If you don’t like something and it effects you directly, say so. If someone asks you a nosy question that is none of their business, say so.

Remember, getting older means you can be cantankerous with justification.

If you have to ask, the answer is NO. Otherwise, do what you are going to do, say or ask what you want. If I don’t like it I’ll say so. If its none of your business, I’ll tell you to fuck off.

Simple as that.

So my trip to NY/Toronto was a blast. I will write about how cool it was as soon as I’m over mourning the loss of my camera.

Though, If everyone can send good thoughts and prayers that maybe they actually find it or someone turns it in, I would be very grateful!

it begins within.

So I finally caved and went to the doctor Friday, already knowing the verdict. Its always funny. Go to the doctor and say “I have a sinus infection” and they say “Oh really”. So they do their check up and they hem and they haw and then they go “Oh, well, I guess you do. Here’s your prescription have a nice day.”

Not having medical insurance sucks. Big time. I have a rant, a long one. I will save it for some other time.

So anyway, I’m feeling much better now. I have a tendency to try and tough things out, which is silly, since I usually get sick when I’m already stressed. It probably doesn’t help that I have been so busy and feeling so poorly that I’ve done almost NO cooking. This means my dietary needs are not being met well. Its really a vicious cycle.

And to add things to the stack, daecon was let go from his job in a most shitty way. They waited until he LEFT and then called him on his cell phone. Didn’t even give him a chance to get his stuff, the bastards. *fumes* His rep from the contracting company is suppose to go pick his stuff up on Monday and they’ll see what else is available. He was told that there was no reason given, just that “the contract is up”. Or something. In some ways he’s relieved, as the job grated on him.

I asked if this meant that I should cancel my vacation. I got a resounding NO, as the plane ticket is paid for and non-refundable. The room is reserved. So, I’m going, though with less pocket change than I had hoped for.

In the meantime, once the summer craziness settles, I have good intentions of studying for Solaris and CCNA certifications, plus learn some MySQL and PHP. For fun, I have about a million sewing/craft projects to get done, which includes getting my Chun Li costume done in time for Dragon Con. Which reminds me, if anyone has a suit they are willing to share let me know please!

What kind of fantasy works for you from the genre? If it helps, name some examples. - Treyvah

I had some difficulty parsing this particular request, but upon watching Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, I had a bit of an epiphany. I am fascinated by science fiction/fantasy that deals with human spirit. So much of our science fiction talks about humans creating technology to be able to do bigger and better things. But as we artificially enhance the human form, what happens to that which makes us living and sentient?

“All stories are stories of enlightenment”. It was something that my friend dreama said. In this way, I’ve found that I admire greatly the works of C.S. Friedman. I think that she is a contemporary of William Gibson, in that their flavor of science is very much influenced by current trends of technology. Where Friedman branches off, and where she is most skilled, is she takes humans and puts them in a completely alien setting. Sometimes they don’t even remember, except in ancient lore, that they were once from a place called Earth. Every series she writes is a landscape of emotion and detail, landscapes alien yet eerily familiar. She turns left when you expect a right. She tears away the masks and shows just how terrifying human emotion can be, even with all the technology we use to shield us from it.

I am not hugely into cyberpunk in novel form, but works such as the Ghost in the Shell series, and other similar anime are enjoyable.

Another thing I look for in writing is characters. Knowing what character is speaking just by what and how they say things is the mark of good characterization. Having that solid foundation of personality, the character is then the one driving the story and the situation. To paraphrase Heinlein “I don’t write the book, I write the character, throw them in a situation and let them get themselves out of it”.

Hmm, does this explain what I enjoy? To a point, I guess. I like scifi that gets you involved the the character and the alien landscape upon which they are painted. Throw in a good bit of sexiness, and I’m set.

This says a lot about me, but when I want trash romance, I read Laurel K Hamilton’s books.

Yup. I got a cold. A head cold at that, most likely caused by sinuses and allergies. Somehow I made it THIS far into the pollen season and I had hoped I’d escaped. I did not.

I’ve got four more days to go until my next day off, two 12’s and two eights. I have to make it, I need the money. Pray hope that this weekend is quiet and I can take my medicine and sit in the chair in a half comatose state.

Oh yeah, and pray the transmission isn’t going bad on my car. Please.

I was up too late last night. Its all the internet’s fault! OK, not really. I blame it on people I’ve been talking with, that and i needed three paragraphs of a story my husband requested before I went to bed. Simon is now home for summer vacation so I wanted to be awake this morning so help diffuse any more destruction caused by the children. They get into things. I keep finding interesting pieces of caveman art in various places around my house. Couple of them were even done in nail polish. Interesting choice of medium, location dangerous. Don’t do it again or I might blow a gasket.

Ooo, coffee’s done. MMMM, coffee.

So I’m going on a vacation! I can’t believe it, actually, because everything just fell into place. A friend of mine helped me out with the plane ticket. This was quite unexpected, but I was told to consider it a birthday present. Now Ava’s picking me up from the airport and we’re staying at her place for the night before heading out to Toronto! I finally get to meet Matthew and I’m so excited about there being a jazz festival at the same time. My mother instilled a love of Jazz and Swing in me rather early, and I remember my father teaching me basic swing moves as a kid.

But aside from that, I get to spend the week with some very awesome people and just have a really nice time. We’re going to be driving by Niagara Falls, which makes me happy. I’ll be abe to get out and gawk for at least a few minutes. This is one of the few parts of the country I haven’t driven through.

Oh yeah. Road Trips. I’m familiar with those. Growing up we had this BRIGHT orange station wagon with brown vinyl seats. It was an AMC Hornet. You don’t get much more 70’s than that, really. It had a Jeep engine in it with a straight six cylinder, so it was cheep and easy to fix with a good amount of power. Dad’s hobby was working on cars so he was always puttering with it. He also installed this awesome stereo system with a *gasp* TAPE DECK! That was the shiznit when I was growing up.

So my summer’s were spent in the back of a 70’s station wagon, driving cross country to see some relative or another. We listened to classical music, Simon and Garfunkel, Taco, and Boy George. (My Mom liked Boy George, I still find this odd) Driving along, when we weren’t a tight schedule, we often took back roads. Dad would ask gas attendants about good local restaurants in the area or something neat to see on the way. This is how we saw Carl’s Bad Caverns and numerous other oddities and roadside attractions. I still haven’t seen The World’s Largest Ball of Twine even though I’ve driven through Minnesota more times than I can count.

Later, after I was old enough to drive on my own and had my own car, I started road tripping myself. At 17, I had wanted to go back and see my friends in North Carolina (we had moved to GA just after my 16th bd), so my parents let me drive myself up there. People thought they were crazy to let a teenager do that. For me, it just seemed natural. Its only been since having kids and needing to keep a steady income that I’ve stopped doing road trips. I’ve been getting itchy foot syndrome. The travel bug bit me.

Suddenly, this drops in my lap. I had dug my feet in about it at first. I didn’t feel like I could go, like I was a bad person for taking time out for myself. Finally my husband insisted. He said “We can handle it without you for a few days, you need this.” And then it really came together.

And I’m going. I’m excited!

Joc’s Request: I’d like to know your thoughts on the impact of the model on the final piece and the return gaze of the object of art.

Oh, now this is a good one. It was brought up because I have several artist friends that I have modeled/been used as a model for. The Artist Pain is probably the one that most who read this are familiar with. With him, I knew what I was getting into ahead of time, as he is a horror and fetish artist.

He was really responsible for making me look at myself in a picture and not think “oh god, that’s horrible!”. The idea that I could come out with photos that look good even though I am not “typical model” type did wonders for my self esteem. Since then, I have done several favors for other friends and was even approached by some art students at the college I went back to for a semester (before back surgery). It was… surreal.

I think how being a model and how the finish product effects you has a lot to do with who you chose to work with and what kind of work you are doing. There’s no way in hell I would ever be a fashion model, that industry is brutal. Thousands of pictures are taken, maybe five are chosen, and even then they go through and doctor them up because you just aren’t perfect enough. The pressure to be thin and perfect can kill you, literally.

However, working with artists, especially artists that are looking for that edge of something different and outside of our current beauty standard is wonderful. How you feel about the person behind the camera also helps the finished product (or how comfortable this person makes you feel).

So we’re driving back from the movie and Felicity says in her most IMPERIOUS voice “Get that sun out of my eyes!”

Daecon and I just look at each other with a great deal of mirth and he says “Well, you heard her, set already!”.

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about how mopey my husband gets when I’m away. He said “How mopey is that?” and I couldn’t give him a good answer in words, so I referenced a song. “Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone” by Bill Withers.

“Are you Persephone?”

It was an odd question to me, because I hadn’t thought about that Greek Myth in forever. I believe the first time I ever heard about it was from my Mother. She would talk about the story whenever Christmas came about because that’s when pomegranates were in season. It was a staple for the elaborate parties my parents would throw. One of the centerpieces was a crystal bowl full of pomegranate seeds that was back lit by candle light. This made the bowl glow with an otherworldly red quality. I imagined myself as Persephone as I ate those juicy seeds and the rain and cold outside were because someone mourned by absence.

Memories are an odd thing, because I don’t think I have the story quite right in my head and that’s not how it REALLY happened. All the images and the thoughts were there, just not sequential, so my memory ordered them in such a way to make it seem more visceral an experience.

C.S. Friedman has to be one of my favorite modern sci-fi writers. She is brilliant.

In a world where data is coin of the realm, and transmissions are guarded by no better sentinels than man-made codes and corruptible devices, there is no such thing as a secret. - This Alien Shore

Ava came to visit this week. She has family down here and an offer to visit them worked out well. I picked her up from her cousin’s house shortly after I got out of court (court was a stupid fiasco, but more about that later). From there we drove back to my place and hung out a bit before picking daecon up and heading to J & A’s for game night. We had dinner, and played Robo Rally, and drank. I’m not sure what started it, but at one point most of us were laughing so hard we couldn’t breathe. J and I almost started hyperventilating. We eventually gave up the game, since daecon chose the wrong board to play with seven people. Also, Ava picked up right away that its good to pick on daecon. :)

Wednesday we headed downtown to Oakland Cemetery, because Ava likes to take pictures of cemeteries. It did not say so on the website at the time, but they were closed due to the tornado that hit downtown Atlanta. I was quite upset and ended up calling the number on the notice to see if there was some way we could get in for a bit. Turns out they would have to have an escort the entire time we were in there or they’d lose their FEMA reconstruction money. The lady I talked to was quite concerned, since I played up the bit about my friend having come so far and having an academic reason for wanting to see the place. They updated their website the next day. We did, however, walk around and take pictures through the gates and over the large brick wall surrounding the place. Ava taught me a LOT about symbology that I did not know before. It was fun to see how animated she became while explaining the little details to me. At one point I had climbed up on the wall to take a picture while she was holding me up by my ass. We got several honks for that, which made us giggle.

And since I had fully expected to be walking around the graveyard until after traffic, we made a detour to Little Five Points. Its the closest thing Atlanta has to a SoHo district. I spent a lot of my teenage and early 20’s there, hanging out. I still recognize a good number of people around there, homeless or otherwise. Mostly we browsed a few of the cool shops, picked up postcards, and did a great deal of people watching. Sadly, I was informed that we must steer clear of Wax N’ Facts, THE best record store in the state (real records, like, vinyl).

We went to another friend’s house for dinner, hung out and talked.

Thursday was just hanging out until later that night when we went to see “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were Dead”. Brilliant! It was quite funny. I was familiar with it in movie form, and the stage play is presented at a different pace, but still quite good. I realized that I hadn’t been there since my first date with daecon to see “Myth”.

Friday… SUSHI! yum. Lots of SUSHI! We went way overboard. Daecon and I like to go out for sushi every couple of months and go all out and having Ava there was a good excuse to splurge.

Oh, funny story. Simon had not been feeling well on Thursday so he ended up staying home from school. I had cooked lunch, and once we were done Simon wanted desert. I offered him chocolate.

“No, I want an icy-pop” he says.
“What? You don’t want chocolate?!”
“No” he says “I want an icypop”
“But chocolate is so much better.” I told him.
“Well, you just say that cause you’re a girl” he tells me.

Ava looked at me and said “That was the best answer ever. He’s wise for being so young, that one.”

We giggled about it all day.

Well, I had a most excellent week. I will write more about it most likely tomorrow.

In other news, I just found out that I have MOST of Dragon Con weekend off. I am happy!

A quick post before I actually post about my week. My friend Pain just got into a bad car wreck. His truck is totaled, and I’m really worried about him, even though he is OK. I think his girlfriend was in the car with him too. Lots of prayers and good vibes please!

After the accident.