ladykatza

Seven more hours until my husband picks me up from work and we head for Dragon*Con. WOO! I’m excited, are you?

By the way, costuming takes up a LOT of room. Holy Cow.

Yesterday I was a nervous wreck. I had two interviews, back to back. Literally 15 minutes apart. Both of them were panel type interviews. Before I even went to these I had to work. I could tell I was nervous by the overwhelming urge for junk food and caffeine. I missed some important tasks. It was just… arg.

I swear other people could hear my heart beat the way I could in my ears.

Finally the first interview, the one for the promotional job. I felt like I’d done awful. I really had to think about how to answer some of the questions. Body language told me they weren’t impressed at all. I kept feeling like I was floundering. I was not happy with how it went.

The second interview was for my current position, only permanent. I.. think it went OK. I do not know for certain, though.

When all was over, said, and done with, I was shaking and working to regulate my breathing. My knees were weak going out to the car. I had to concentrate on breathing all the way home. Finally I had a glass of wine, and some good food. Then I was much better. Still, I was exhausted and went to bed pretty early.

I should know by next week.

Under blue sky, in bright sunlight,
One need not search around.
Asking what Buddha is,
Is like hiding loot in one’s pocket and
declaring oneself innocent.
-Zen Koan

I took a walk to clear my head and,
came back with rain in my hair.
Sipping wine to warm my soul,
lightning illuminates the air.

The title, you may be wondering? Well, its what Simon’s teacher said about him. This is for several reasons. The one that I’m very proud of him for was what he did for a little girl on the playground. The way it was told to me, she had gone to kick a ball, missed and fell on her back. This knocked the breath out of her and Simon, upon seeing this, rushed to her side and held her hand to tell her she would be OK. He then stayed with her until she was able to get up and a teacher came to help.

I told him that I was very proud of him for being a wonderful human being.

Dragon Con in SIX DAY!

The following email subject just made me laugh.

ALERT: Network Incident - Hammer not working

I got a book the other day at the craft store of “copy write free images”. It came with a CD, so I can use them for making my own scrapbooking pages and that sort of thing. I am playing around with images. Here is my first one. Let me know what you think

For the second time this week, I find myself confronted with an extremely uncomfortable situation. The second one, BY FAR, trumps the first. Why? Because the second one may require I appear in court as a witness.

Fuck.

I once sang this song while playing the Vampire LARP I met my husband at. I was really into the 40’s retro at the time. I was playing a Human Servant. And for some reason, I was singing this song in my dream last night and woke up with it in my head.

Your momma never told you
How you were sposed to treat a girl.
Your poppa never told you and
Now youre all alone out in the world.

Sirens are streaming
Inside the winding sheets are pale.
Devils are dreaming
Dreaming of the blue angel.

Now I lay me down to sleep
But troubled dreams are all I find.
Pray the lord my soul to keep
Pray so I wont lose my mind.

Sirens are screaming
On wings tonight, Ill soon set sail.
Devils are dreaming
Dreaming of a blue angel.

Your mommas going to take it hard
You always were your mommas boy.
Your laying in the graveyard
Now you’re not your mommas joy.

Streetlights come streaming
Ill bat an eye and cast my spell.
Devils are dreaming
Dreaming of a blue angel.

So other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

So yesterday, after a rather annoying second half of my day at work, I got a call on the way home saying that my mother-in-law had a flat tire and no spare. daecon asked me to go with him to use my AAA membership to get it towed. I agreed, because you know, I DO want to help out when I can.

However, I couldn’t help be annoyed at the fact that my plans to make hamburgers and have a nice family dinner was interrupted. Grrrr. So when we were told there was a delay in getting a tow truck, we went to go get something to eat. As SOON as we were seated, they called back and said they found someone who will be there shortly.

*sigh* Can’t win for losing.

But, it got taken care of and we managed to stick to the “no going out to eat until Dragon*Con” goal.

Now I just ask the Universe to conjure up a nice, cushy, well paying job for daecon WITH MEDICAL BENEFITS. And that other good thing I’m working on getting would be nice, too. KTHXBYE

I’ve never liked having to get up in the mornings. When left to my own internal clock, I stay up to about 3am and sleeping until 10 or 11am in the morning. But life necessitates that I be a morning person these days. Some mornings are harder than others, like this one. My Zen Alarm clock had gone through a couple cycles before it reached my consciousness and I woke out of a dream that left me feeling haunted in some vague sense. But the routine started.

As time to leave came closer, I felt the need to snuggle up a bit to my sleeping daecon, and in the quietness of the house I heard a train whistle in the distance.

I’ve never quite understood why, but I find the sound of distant trains to be comforting. Its something I always expect to hear in the quiet of the night while drifting off to sleep. Its somehow always been there. Out there, the world still exists and is moving along in a way I don’t quite understand.

But it was that tranquil moment in the comfort of home and husband that I found the strength to face my day.

If there are one or more people on your friends list who make your world a better place just because they exist, and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the Internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

A quote from one of my favorite boardies: You’re so vibrant and full of life, you give me hope that I can spawn someday and still hold on to my personality, because it’s obvious you’ve managed that.

This gave me a warm fuzzy and also made me want to share a bit about motherhood. First off, its not easy. In fact, it was seven years ago today that I was in a hospital surrounded by nurses and doctors as they tried to stop the contractions before doing an emergency c-section to save the life of my first born. There was a lot of mess and a lot of pain, though I don’t remember much of either. The “experts” say we are wired to forget the bad parts and I believe this now. I do remember at one point insisting on getting up and going to the bathroom and saying “Well, this is rather un-dignified”. The nurse just snorted and said “Honey, ain’t nothin’ dignified ’bout childbirth. Its messy.”

So true. So very very true. And for some reason I found her drawl to be comforting in this dispensing of wisdom. But I think what scared me more than all the trials and tribulations of going through my first pregnancy (the second one was a breeze, really. i think it was because i knew what to expect), was the fact that my life was no longer going to be my own. Now I would be responsible for the life and welfare of a new person.

Personally, I feel that it is most important once you become a parent to take time out for yourself. To do something that re-asserts your own personal identity. The fact that I have a large support network to help with the raising of children is a great boon. For me (and my husband) we are involved in the LARPing and gaming communities. I love to do costuming, and I love to dance, and many other things. I find that when I do the things that make me happy then I am happier around my children and maybe they even become interested as well.

I’ve known women whose entire life revolved around getting married and having children and being completely involved on many levels. They were happy with this because that was their personality and what they _wanted_ to do. There is nothing wrong with this and I feel that (in America at least) we do not give these women enough credit.

I myself, however, decided to have children so that I could show them the world. I want to show them the incredible things that are on this earth in spite of all the ugliness everyone says there is. I want to teach them to be their own person and to not be afraid to take chances.

In the Dune series by Frank Herbert, he speaks of “The Parable of the Shield”. In the story it asks the question “How do you shield your children enough that they can grow to adulthood, but no so much that they cannot survive as an adult?”. Its a hard question to answer, because the instinct is to shield your children from all possible hurts. Yet I see, over and over, people that are so coddled that they cannot function once they are faced with true problems. Sometimes if I wonder if this is what gives rise to “the nanny state”.

But to get back to one of the original thoughts. If you are a parent or find yourself on the cusp of becoming one, you owe it to yourself and to your children to retain your sense of self. Personally, I intend to be that little old lady driving the red sports convertible and leaving all you young whiper-snappers eating my dust.

Procrastinating, pretending to worry
Solving problems by pushing them aside
Wasting time like we’ve all the time in the world

Deliberation instead of solution, another term for blatant lies
Biding time like we’ve all the time in the world

And I’m not the only one who thinks we’re trying to say
To the heavens and all who hear us: behold all we have made!
We bring destruction, we bring war without an end
and we live in hope that tomorrow never comes

We conquer paradise just to burn it to the ground
And we build a future to honour pasts we left behind
We bring destruction, we bring war without an end
And then we live in hope that tomorrow never comes

The problems get worse before they get better
We find excuses to divert our eyes
Let tomorrow deal with what we could have done

And if you think we’re the future, that we build tomorrow
When was the last day without war?
We speak of greatness we have never been

It’s just you and me now
It’s just you and me now
Against the world

- Testament - VnV Nation