ladykatza

debbie asked me this morning how i would feel if she couldn’t keep the kids anymore so she could get a full time job. she’s in dire financial straights, and seeming as how i’m not dire, but in no position to help her, i told her to do what she needs to do. but the truth of the matter is, i can’t afford regular daycare unless i give up going to school. how am i suppose to get to a place where i can help my family if i don’t go to school?

i don’t know why this got to me so bad, but it has and now i’ve completely embarrassed myself by breaking down into tears at work. how the hell am i suppose to be taken seriously when i pull this shit? i want to go home, but it won’t help anything, it will cause me to get written up and eat up my vacation.

i think i’ll go crawl into a hole and pull it in after myself.

Current Mood: tearful

german industrial music fits my mood at this moment.

driving into work this morning i was in a fighting mood. if someon had given me a good excuse, i would have enjoyed punching the shit out of them. the few times i’ve been in a physical fight, they didn’t last long. ususally because i was angry, and while i’m strong to begin with, anger makes me scary. i even scare myself.

my first serious boyfriend/high school sweetheart made me so angry one time i jumped on the back of his car and tried to put my fist through the back window. this was the second time we broke up, and while i didn’t succeed, i cracked it and he had to have it replaced. he said it was a rock, and insurance paid for it.

it was a retired police cruiser with bullet proof glass. my hand hurt for days, and i’ve had problems with my right wrist ever since. (i’m sure it didn’t help i broke that wrist as a kid jumping off of a swing) i decided i didn’t ever want to be that angry again. i took martial arts classes, and always had a problem with sparring. what if they don’t block? my inability to get over that hurdle is why i never continued with the lessons.

i often look back on my life and can’t believe the stupidity of some of the things i did. but then, if i hadn’t lived through them i wouldn’t be the person i am today.

recently i had met someone that had ties to a lot of people from my days after “the breakup”. i ended up moving away from the people from that period of my life, not liking the drama that i associated with them. while they provided a great life lesson and an outlet of escape, i couldn’t look at them again. they may have changed, as i know i have changed, but the thought of seeing them resurfaced too many unpleasant memories of my own stupidity.

maybe one day i’ll tell stories of some of my deeds, but not today.

what i do know is that the path i chose in my early life led me to learn a great number of lessons that some people never learn. i understand i am not perfect, i don’t understand everything, but some people just make me sigh with resignation. i watch people make the same mistakes over and over and they wonder why it always keeps going wrong.

i find that more and more recently my advice is asked for, and i might as well be the teacher on charlie brown. they do not listen, and they do not understand. sometimes they are offended. after the second or third time, i no longer try. too much energy, too much effort.

Current Mood: growly

Current Music: Blutengel - Soul of Ice

morning dawns over a burnished sky
shadows that were never chased away
lurk in the alley of listlessness
washed by a drizzling spray

sadness lives between skyscrapers
hopes glimpsed through cracks in the grey
revalations gained in reflective windows
to be on the other side, predator not prey

Current Mood:  bored

Current Music: All Neon Like - Bjork

yesterday was our 4th celebration and our “sending off party” for our friend. i made a ton of food. enough that after feeding 8 adults i still have enough left over for lunches until wednesday. i had blackberry pie and coffee for breakfast this morning and it was an oddly satisfying feeling.

we set off fireworks up in the circle and the neighborhood “cool kids” had to come out and watch. most of them were fun, not TOO spectacular because of the little ones. tommy as usual had his camera and was playing with the 2 second exposure with the fireworks, and had to take pictures of felicity after she got into the chocolate icecream that we brought out with us.

“honest, i didn’t eat all the chocolate icecream”

“i’ve got a sparkler!”

do you see the pheonix?

Current Mood:  sleepy

so, i’ve read the graphic novel V for Vendetta recently, and then found out that Warner Brothers is doing a movie with Alan Moore. all their press leads us to believe that everything is going well, and that Alan is happy. but paticular sources are indicating otherwise. as it says, Hollywood can’t do a movie about a terrorist.

granted, its about a terrorist fighting against a gestapo regime that has managed to murder anyone that didn’t fit their ideals. its a bleak post-nuclear-war era and nothing is pretty. all i can say, is i hope they get something right and that i won’t walk away completely dissapointed.

and they better not show his face.

Current Mood:  hopeful

Current Music: Fictional - Blue Light

With Republicans holding power the White House and Congress, conservatives see the Supreme Court as the final obstacle to control of all branches of the federal government.

so, its been said, outright and by the associated press. if we lose our system of checks and balances, then i’d suggest you start practicing your goose-stepping.

rest of the article here

Current Mood:  anxious

Current Music: apoptygma berzerk - non-stop violence

the one thing that has come from my grandmother’s death is an understanding of “now”. more than anything i regret i didn’t actually send that birthday card on time, that the thankyou note was written but never sent. that i didn’t just go visit even if i couldn’t really afford it.

life is short in so many ways, and sometimes i’m sure i worry about the wrong things. the car set us back further than i expected, and i was ready to go out and get a second job to make up the difference, at least until school starts. i even went out looking.

daecon and tommy didn’t stop me, but they both expressed displeasure. “you do too much already” no i don’t, i’m a lazy slob. do you see the state of [insert whatever here]. i borrow trouble. i try to be aware of it, daecon has helped a lot. he told me the other day i’ve been doing a lot better lately. that made me smile, because i like having feedback.

i’ve been spending a lot of time this week with my kids. drawing, playing with blocks, letting them help me cook, rocking them. i spent a day at my mother-in-law’s making a shirt, and watching the kids play with her. it was a good day.

there were many points where i found myself just laying in bed staring at the ceiling, thinking “i should have or i wish had”. its useless, that sentiment. it does not good and all it does is borrow trouble. it makes you tired, and its useless. life moves on, and either i move with it, or it moves on without me. in the grand scheme of things i’m not that important. in my world, though, i have loved ones that need me, and that helps me get up and go on.

i don’t think life has gotten any easier, i just think the problems have gotten different, but really stay the same. birth, learning to socialize, competition, family, death, taxes…

“you are more likely to regret the things you didn’t do, than the things you did” was what daecon said to me the other night. i’ve thought about that a lot this past week.

Current Mood:  nostalgic

on a trip to the grocery store the following conversation ensues:

simon: i want to hold the watermelon!
me: simon, its pretty heavy. can you handle it? (its only like 5 pounds)
simon: i can do it, let me try, PLEASE!
me: ok

so i hand him the watermelon to hold in the van and all of the sudden i hear a big *THUD*. i turn around and look. the watermelon now has a jagged crack in it after simon dropped it on the floor.

me: simon! you said you could do it.
simon: i sorry. but.. but.. i wanted to have a mouth so it could talk to me.

*blink* *blink*

me: you what?
simon: i wanted to have a mouth so it could talk to me.
me: simon, you’re weird.

Current Mood:  confused

being a parent is not easy. in fact, it is one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. the sleepless nights, endless laundry and dishes, the constant demand of your attention, praising of refrigerator art, kissing boo-boos, wiping dirty noses, changing daipers, and the list goes on. but there is the reward of watching them grow, the conversations that amaze you at their developing logic, their amazing ability to absorb and learn.

my kids are smart, don’t let them fool you. when somebody new comes around they will play dumb to get what they want and be lazy. i always laugh when new people come around, or they pull an old trick on one of our friends. “ooh… they fooled you.” i say with a chuckle and a look. “what? not me!”

ya… whatever. suckers. children are good at getting what they want, and sometimes they win out of pure persistence. i have to pick my battles carefully because i just don’t have enough energy for the rest of it. crying? watch out for the sympathy and the fake cry, because they’ll eat that up too.

i think what irritates me most is the over-protected and over-sanitized world children live in today. i see other mom’s having fits and wanting to run over to my son when he starts climbing the monkey bars or whatever else is available. he’s quick and dexterous, up the latter, over the top, down the slide and hanging upside down before the other kids his age even navigate the first three stairs. coddled, is what i’d call them. i get the evil eye from the moms. “he might get hurt!” ya, whatever, you’re just mad my son makes yours look less than perfect.

my daughter, however, she can be girly. she waits awhile before going ahead, but if big brother does it, she has to do it too. some days she has more scrapes, scratches, bruises, and dirt than he does. she wants to wear her pretty dresses and go play in the mud. (thrift stores and yard sales are great for this, by the way. don’t waste your money at the department store) she’s a heartbreaker in pig-tails.

people tell me that i have polite and well behaved children and i’ll say “thank you” and smile. but inside i’m thinking “what, these hellions? no way!”

i can’t think of any parent that doesn’t breath a sigh of relief and then goes and flops down on their favorite couch or chair, only to end up sitting on some squeeky, noisy, or otherwise uncomfortable-to-sit-on toy that didn’t put away in the clean up. grumbling, you throw it in the toy pile and go fix yourself a cocktail.

so, i’ve had a cocktail and watched a movie with my sweety. now i’m gonna go lay down and get some sleep before i have to do it again.

Current Mood:  exhausted