ladykatza

the vorlons ask; who are you?
and the shadows ask; what do you want?

and i ask myself, can you really know what you want until you know who you are? you may think you want something, but once you have it you realize that it wasn’t what you truly wanted and there is still a hole inside.

i am the restless muse

and the lover you cannot deny

Current Mood: introspective

from The Watchmen

so my husband interrupts my shower to tell me that my daughter needs to be washed off. i look around the shower curtain to realize that she has lipstick, ALL OVER HER FACE! and several other places too.

*sigh*

well, ok. she hops in the shower with me and isn’t really that keen on it. then i realize that lipstick isn’t going to come off in soap and water. good thing i keep cold cream on hand for those few times i do wear make-up. actually, we bought it to use around the hairline for when i dye my husband’s hair. blue hair-dye is a bitch to get off otherwise.

fine, we clean her up, i get back into the shower to finish shaving my legs. just something wrong about having one half of your leg smooth and the other half prickly.

Current Mood:  amused

Current Music: Faithless - Don't Go

grrr…

so i got out of the house later than usual. an hour, enough time. except when there’s an accident blocking four lanes. so i’m late, so i get written up. so i’m pissed off.

Current Mood:  angry

GAH! the irritable mood bug has set in. i’m not completely sure why, but it has. actually, i know one of the reasons. its impatience.

once you discover the rules your opponent is playing by, the game changes. if they discover you know, the game and the rules change.

check.

Current Mood:  irritated

i’m tired, i should go to bed. i keep thinking i want to write something. i have a story in mind, but i think that this one i’d rather just keep in my head. its been there for some time and has manifested itself in dream form in snippets from time to time.

i realized recently that i am very spoiled. my parents raised me to be a lady. not in the uptight, stuffy sense, but in the sense of carraige, intelligence, humor and wit. i was taught to respect others. i was also taught to expect a certain chilvalrous deference from men.

now, in out day and age, a woman can open a door for herself. well, really, in this country she can do as she damn well pleases. be independent, be a person.

but you know, i like being walked to my car after a drink to be sure that i’m in the car and on my way. its a very subtle way of feeling and allowing myself to be protected. i like having the door held, my cigarette lit, and numerous other little things.

i’ve never been one to be overly romantic, except in a very dark, gothic manner. i’ve always liked men with intelligence, but still witty and baudy. i like men that are smarter than i am, or at least on an even playing ground. i like a man that knows what he’s doing in bed and be able to communicate easily to make it better. i like it when a man knows that i’m bitchy because what i really want is to be ravished. a savage beginning, the illusion of being overwhelmed that settles into a mutual sharing and exploring.

its a good thing i’ve found these things in the man i love and married. i’m so glad he knows that i also like to play with others. i find it amusing that those others i choose very soon find mates of their own soon after our affairs. and even more amusing that i end up being friends with their wife.

stowing away in a wheel-well of an airplane really not a good idea.

Current Mood: grossed out

so the person who has the shift opposite of me is moving on. so i may go for the sunday-wednesday shift again. same time, different days. the downside, i have to listen to that gecko all day.

on a completely different note:

stay out of my dreams…

i want protien with lots of iron in it. like… something red, juicy, and warm. something that barely stopped mooing a while ago. oh… and midol.

and as i look up from the computer i see a hawk bank barely in time to miss the house chased by a raven. i think there’s some territorial disputes going on.

i washed the van today. everyone got soak and wet. i have to go back out in a bit and vacuum it out and clean the windows, but first i’m going to rest.

we had a gi-normous thunderstorm with hail yesterday and my herbs are not happy for it. i think they have enough of an established root system they will be ok, but it made me sad to look at them. it also made me glad i waited on putting the seedlings in the ground.

so, having the car doesn’t seem real yet. we used up the last of our savings to get it, and thats fine since it means we get to keep our jobs. but the fact we were able to GET one, and that we’ll be able to pay for it just seems surreal. to be honest, daecon getting let go from broadband express has seemed like a blessing. slowly things seem to be getting better.

however, as i was telling V, i’m afraid to be happy and enjoy it. i’m afriad that suddenly life will happen and something bad will take it all away. V pointed out thats a bad way to think. she’s right. i always say that life and the way we handle it can often be a self-fullfilling prophecy. i just feel like its too good to be true.

but its not, and i’ve worked very hard to get here. constant awareness, having good habits in place, and not worrying about the rest is the way to go. getting through june and july will be tough. but i have faith we’ll make it through and come out the other side all the better.

Current Mood:  determined

Current Music: blessed silence

so after much discussion and pouring over the budget, we decided that buying as new a car as we could afford would be the best way to go. its nice to have a car paid for, but we just flat out can’t do that right now. so we had an idea of what we could afford, and we went shopping.

we stopped at carmax. sorta wasn’t my first choice, but what the hell. Less, our salesman, an mousey looking old man, he was very helpful. we wanted a wagon.

we ended up getting a 2002 black ford taurus wagon with less than 13k miles on it. in fact, we were able to get a manufacturer warranty because it had so few miles. it has everything we needed, and a little extra on top.

i’m elated, its better than we hoped for, weee!

so, following the age old rule of “the wife gets the good car”, that’s what i’ll be driving. daecon says he feels better since it will be more reliable and i’ll be driving the kids around most of the time. ( the only downside is i have not cd player. *pout*)

Current Mood:  ecstatic

Current Music: the dishwasher

plans to limit judicial power in a bill that i haven’t decided is good or bad as of yet. the wording is very strange.

Current Mood: disturbed

Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of — but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards. -robert a heinlein

there is a web in my mind
as i watch
as i listen
it spins itself, tangled and confused
but i see clarity, i see connections

something is happening
something is changing
but you know the saying
the only constant is change

a pendulum is swinging
but which way is it going?
the world takes a breath and holds it
we’re all waiting

Current Mood:  thoughtful

Current Music: Sharky's Night -Laurie Anderson

its been raining for three days…

and the weather report doesn’t expect it to let up anytime soon. its dreary and wet and its befitting of my mood. i’ve had this malady of a mood for a month now. daecon getting a job improved it a good bit, and i think actually getting a second car will help as well. i feel a bit better since making the decision on that as well.

the upstairs bathroom is back in order. we bought new hardware for towels, toilet paper and such. there was no toilet paper holder, the hand towel rack was broken, and the regular towel holder was coming out of the wall. it will all come off again when i strip out the wallpaper and paint. yes, the bathroom is my next project.

the front porch light had to be replaced. during felicity’s birthday party it shorted out, and everytime we turned it on, the breaker would kick off. daecon took it down last night. original wiring, blech. so we got a new one, he rewired it and all is happy and good.

daecon had an interview on tuesday with a company called Ripple. they apparently are very small tech support company for small businesses that go on a monthly fee. now he has to meet the team. they decided the best way to do this is the rooftop beer party on friday. he wants me to go. i put in the request, i have no idea if i will get it.

the moonflowers are sprouting,
the morning glories are close behind,
the four o’ clocks got eaten,
and the nasturiums are fine.

Current Mood:  melancholy

Current Music: tori amos - past the mission

this is my magazine wish list:

Discover
Garden Design
Government Technology
PC Gamer
Popular Mechanics
Popular Science
Scientific American
Science and Theology News
Simple ScrapBooks
Smithsonian
Wired
ZooBooks